TODAY

TODAY
I had a moment today where I felt shame + anger for not being more “successful” than the people I actually love + respect in my life.

As I thought of it, remembering the moments I really felt it earlier today, I felt this feeling grow inside of me like a seedling just breaking through the dirt to find the sun. It felt like I deserved as much if not more than them. Like I deserve more than what I’m getting.

More love.
More attention.
More money.
More respect.

As it grew, It started looking like a black gooish version of me that is continuously dripping blackness everywhere like he was made of tar. I was getting kind of sad + kind of angry. He was trying to get me to join him. He wanted to take over + be me. He wanted to drive life. But at the same time, I also felt someone else, kind of above me but also everywhere all at once. It felt like me but it didn’t really look like me. And all this guy wanted was to do was enjoy the show. He wondered what I would choose but he seems kind of happy that anything was happening. Something between a period, an exclamation point but happier than 3 dots. He seemed free.

From any obligation.
From any attachment.
From any concern.